Car Alarm - Dane Cook

There are certain sounds in this world, that when you hear them,

they make you react in different ways

There are certain sounds that when it floats into your eardrum — and it goes

high into your cerebellum — located near your limbic system — you hear the

sound, you react in a certain way

Some sounds, soothing, right?

You hear like the sound of a babbling brook BLBLLBLBB

Maybe the sound of the dryer with the towels…

Rhrhhhrhhrh…

Rhhrhhr…

That was a HORRIBLE impersonation of — I know, don’t bull shit me, that was bad

That’s the best I can do…

Rhhhrhrhhrh…

Rhhh

I’m laundry in a dryer…

It’s like haunted laundry in there…

Rhrhhhrhrhrhrh

But THEN there are certain sounds in this world that for whatever reason,

just the way it hits you, it makes you wanna punch a baby…

It makes you want to PUNCH a BABY…

GOD FORBID you’re in a nursery when you hear that sound, you go on a baby

punching tangent, you will start punching.*

POP* WAHHHHHHHHH! *

POP* WAHHHHHHH! *

POP* WAHHHHHHHHHHH *

POP* WAHHHHHHHHHH

GOD HELP ME!

It’s the SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! *

POP* WAHHHHHHHHHHH

I like when it’s late at night and uh, I’m in bed, right?

And I’m cozy…

I’m watching Justice Files

Which is my favorite show

Right? (crowd cheers)

I’m glad you appreciate it like I do

Some times people come up to me and ask my why I like Justice Files,

and I say it’s simple

Cause I love justice!

And I love files!

And when the two come together, I could blow a justice-y load

I could blow a justic-y, file-y load!