Where's The Handle? - Dane Cook

I gotta tell you this, 'cause I always wanted to share

This with a crowd

This is a story, it’s a coming of age tale

And it’s about the first time I ever got head

Come on along with me

I’ll never forget this, I was 17 years old

And I took this girl out on a date, I took her to

Papagenoo’s. And I got her the spaghetti basket

It’s delicious

And so, at the very end of the date, drove her home

And we’re sitting in front of her house and it’s that

Awkward moment, you know, when you wanna kiss but

You’re still so shy. And you end up talking for 4 and a

Half fucking hours

So finally, she leaned in, she was like «Well, anyway

I should probably go 'cause it’s dusk.»

And I said, «Yeah, I guess I should go to.» We both

Leaned in and we *peck noise* kissed. And then out of

Nowhere, I didn’t even expect it. She went «awww»

And so very quickly I ripped off my jeans Like I was in

The NBA, and I put my seat back. And she started to

Give me the bocoik, you know. It was fantastic and it

Felt so good, and suddenly started feeling tingles and

Jingles… like I was about to bocoik, you know what

I’m saying?

The law is we have to tell you. Right ladies? We have

To let you know, we want to tell you. but we don’t, at

The same time. So I wan’t to tell her, but I tell the

Seatbelt instead…